John's Life Without Gambling

Day 902 - GA Twenty Questions - My Answers

2005-05-07T21:14:00.000-07:00

For the benefit of those here getting exposed to Gamblers Anonymous for the first time:

When a person attends a meeting for the very first time they are asked what we call the "Twenty Questions". These questions are simple questions that can be used to help the person determine for themselves whether they a compulsive gambler. No one else can decide that for another. There is no wrong or right answer to these questions. The questions require just a simple yes or no answer. They are strictly used as a guide. Most people that end up admitting they are compulsive gamblers answer yes to at least 7 of the 20.

In this post I am going to answer the twenty questions for myself. But I am going to go just a little beyond the simple yes or no. I do this periodically and hopefully the discussion will provide some insight into how I view each of the questions.

#1 - Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?

YES - For me this was a clear answer of yes from that very first meeting. There were many days that I would devise excuses to leave the office early and then head straight to the casino. When I was traveling, which was often, I would find the nearest casino and be there all night instead of doing the preparation work I should have for my presentation the next day. Even on days I was at work in body I was not even close to working at full capacity for my employer. I was either wiped out from an earlier gambling session or in my mind was trying to figure out how to cover the losses and get some more cash to head back out again.

#2 - Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?

YES - Once again an easy one for me. By the time I made it to my first meeting I had long since lost my family. My girlfriend had left with the kids, my brothers (I have 5) were all not talking to me, my mother had finally lost trust in me to the point she would not even let me in the house. Long before this point though I had made things progressively worse. The lies about where I was, how long I would be, where the money was, and more were creating complete chaos with "A" and me.

I remember the progression of the voice mails when I was on a gambling session. The first would be a simple "when will you be home?". Next would be "Are you alright? Call me back." Shortly thereafter would follow the "PLEASE call me, I m worried!". Toward the end of the cycle would be "Listen, I know you are gambling. If you lose all the money don't bother coming home." Finally the last one would always be similar to "Listen, I don't care what you do anymore, but at least let me know you aren't dead."

Of course, that doesn't even begin to describe the disappointment from the the boys. Telling them I would be there to take them to their game and then not show up. Promising them we would get them something for school and then having to tell them the money was gone. Horrible.
Yep, my home life was pretty unhappy.

#3 - Did gambling affect your reputation?

YES - Of course this question can have many parts. A person can have different "reputations" depending on the part of life you are talking about. Family, friends, co-workers all may have different views of the kind of person you are. For me, all were affected negatively. For the sake of space, and since so many of the other questions will involve the affects on my family and friends I will discuss my work reputation here and how my problem gambling degraded it.

Toward the end of my gambling "career" It was more and more difficult to get money with which to gamble. I finally got to the point of asking co-workers from my company if I could "borrow" money because "I lost my wallet", or I "left it in the hotel room". I even asked subordinates (I was a VP of Sales at a software company) for money. I asked even COMPETITORS at trade shows for money. At first this was no problem, people had always respected and trusted me and were happy to help me out. I honestly believed at the time I just needed these "loans" to get me started and I would never let them not get paid right back. I would NEVER jeopardize my job for this addiction would I? I sure would. Slowly things didn't get paid back fast enough, people starting questioning me and I did not have good answers. I went as far as to get a $25,000 loan from my company to straighten out the gambling debts. I promptly gambled that away. What I do? I CHANGED JOBS so I could get the signing bonus.

#4 - Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?

YES - When I first started gambling of course, the answer to this question was no. Gambling allowed me to entertain myself in a way I had never experienced before. I did not need anyone else's participation or approval. I could do it whenever I wanted, 24 hours a day. If I won some money I could then even allow myself some other luxury that I might not have afforded myself otherwise. After a short time though, as the losses started to occur more frequently, the days I was happy upon walking out of the casino turned into angst. My mind was stressed trying to figure out how I could lose all that money. How was I going to explain it? How would I pay the bills that it was originally intended for? Why didn't I leave when I was up? Why did I HAVE to try for that last $100.00 dollars, would it really have made that much difference given I don't have a penny in my pocket now? What lie was I going to tell when I got home?

In those last days all I felt was remorse after gambling, and many times during gambling. I cried many times in my car after a losing session. I can remember times that I got very dizzy and almost "passed out" with the shame at what I had done. Somehow though, the pain went away just enough soon afterwards for my mind to convince myself the way NOT to feel that way again was to get some more money and try and chase my losses. Of course this just made the "drive of shame" home from the casino worse the next time and created even more problems.

I will go into some of the deeper despair I felt after a bad session when I answer question #20.

#5 - Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?

YES - Like many of my answers to the questions here, initially any money I spent on gambling was "extra". It was part of my entertainment budget. At some point, and I am not honestly sure when that happened for me, the money become more and more "necessary". First only in my mind. What I mean by that is I convinced myself that I needed money I thought I could win through gambling. I needed it to keep playing in order to replace the money I had taken from retirement accounts etc.... I needed it to give those "extras" to "A" and the kids as a way of keeping them at bay for missing all the time I should have been spending with them. Later in the gambling cycle the bills were so bad, the amount of money I was spending gambling so great, that the only way my sick mind could conceive of to pay the bills on time was to gamble, win, and LEAVE with the money. I never did. I only lost everything every time. Of course none of the worries about my life and my financial ruin earlier were true. I could have weathered those early storms a lot better than the ones I finally DID end up having to suffer through. In the end I ended up with nothing.

#6 - Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?

YES - Most of my life I had been successful at whatever endeavor I tried. In high school I was able to get good grades and played several sports. I had a job at the local newspaper at the same time and I had pictures published on the front page on numerous occasions at 16 years old. My first jobs out of high school were in law enforcement. I moved into several great positions both sworn and non-sworn. Life presented me with an opportunity to move into the private sector as a software salesperson and eventual VP of sales providing a good product to public safety agencies. The money was good. I got to travel and see much of the world. I had met "A" and her small children at the time and we started building a life. I was happy.

Then I started gambling and everything changed. First slowly, then rapidly. Most of the time I didn't even notice. Eventually, there came a point in time where I just gave up caring what people thought about my gambling. I gave up whether I could solve the problems I once thought I was solving through gambling or not. I didn't care whether I won the deal at work anymore. I barely had the energy to get out of bed and head to the casino at the first opportunity. Basically there came a point in time where I didn't care about life at all.

#7 - After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?

YES - Every time. My sick mind told me the only way to solve the problems I had just created by gambling was to gamble again! There is a paragraph in the GA literature that describes my feeling perfectly. While describing the difficulty many people face when trying to admit they are in fact compulsive gamblers, it states "We convinced ourselves that we really had a financial problem. That if only we could make the 'big win' our problems would be solved. We swore if we could make that big win that we would never gamble again. We believed a lie." That is me. Just as soon as I had a little bit of sleep and some food, I was able to convince myself the pain was not as bad as the pain I was going to face if I didn't get some "real" (large sums) money right away to solve the problems I had just created.

#8 - After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?

YES - I do not actually remember how I answered this during that first GA meeting. I don't think at the time I could remember ever leaving with any winnings? Looking back now I do remember some times that for whatever reason I was forced to leave ( had to catch a plane, somehow was more worried about what "A" would say about not showing up somewhere etc.). I remember thinking those times "cool, now I have some money to start with next time already, I don't need to figure out some sneaky way to get it."

#9 - Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?

YES - Other than those rare times I talked about in question #8, I NEVER EVER EVER left with any money in my pocket. I can remember many times when not only did I not have any money left with which to gamble, I was not sure I had enough gas in my tank to make it home after a session. I remember after a gambling session I would not have eaten in over 24 hours. I would stop at a nearby fast food restaurant and barely manage to scrape enough change out of the ashtray to get one of the .29 burgers and some water to drink.

#10 - Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?

YES - At first it was just from my credit cards, then it was from friends. Eventually I had "borrowed" from just about everyone I knew including my co-workers, family, friends, other gamblers, banks, and even perfect strangers. I convinced myself that all of this was just "short-term loans", that I was going to use the money to get started, and as soon as I won a little I would put the original stake back in my pocket and NO WAY was I going to touch it again, even if I lost my winnings again. Well, I still owe about half of the people I can remember at least a total of about $20,000. And that is after paying people back for over 2 years now.

#11 - Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?

YES - Eventually I sold almost anything I had of value except my car. (See remembering day one post for further on that). I remember particularly a couple of items. The first was my Glock pistol that I had used in my LE work. It had special meaning to me though because I had scored "best in class" with it at the training when I switched to it from my revolver. I also remember selling my Mark McGwire rookie card. I think I got like $40.00 for it. I sold computers, tools and much more over my 8 years of gambling.

#12 - Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?

NO - This is my only question I answered no to at the time, and I still think today. I interpret this question as did I have a "special stash" of money set aside that could only be used for gambling. If so, my answer is correctly no. To me, money was all the same. I did not have it separated out. I told myself I was just using my money to gamble so I could have more and offer me and mine more. I was lying to myself of course, but I believed it at the time.

#13 - Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?

YES - For myself it started out in small ways, not eating or sleeping well, not paying the attention I should at work, things of that nature. For my family it started small also. I didn't show up where I was supposed to. I couldn't be intimate with my spouse because I was too stressed about the money I had just lost and the lies I had told her to cover those losses. Eventually it got to the point that I didn't get them food, or pay the electric bill, or pay the rent. When I was home it was constant bickering and yelling. It was not a good living environment in any sense, for them or for me.

#14 - Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?

YES - At Gamblers Anonymous meetings we tend to always laugh as a group when this question is asked and answered. I haven't met a person yet who was at the point of attending a meeting that said no to this one. Of course the answer is yes for me as well. There were so many days that I had other plans outside of gambling that I just did not show up for. I would sometimes wake up early to head to the casino for a "few minutes on my way to work, just to make a few quick bucks to help us out until payday". I often never made it to work. There were sometimes 24, 36, or even 48 hour gambling sessions where I never went home to take a shower, change my clothes, where I never even returned a phone call.

#15 - Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?

YES - Looking back at my gambling, most of it for me was done under some misguided belief that I had to have more money to make my life better. But I do remember times I told myself "what the hell, I can't solve anything else right now anyway, I might as well go to the casino". So, in this sense I did gamble to just get away from it all and not have to deal with life as it presented itself.

#16 - Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?

YES - As a believer in the United States Constitution 5th amendment not to incriminate myself I will leave this answer pretty short. But suffice to say I wrote checks when I should not have and more. Also, the key word in this question that is often overlooked is "considered".

#17 - Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

YES - Aside from the nights I didn't sleep at all because I was at the casino, there were many nights I lay awake worrying over the damage I had caused and trying to figure out a way to fix it.

#18 - Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?

NO - Now, this is the only question in the present tense. At that first meeting I did answer yes to this, because at the time, anything caused me to gamble. If I had a good day, I gambled. If I had an argument with "A", I gambled, if I lost a deal at work...you guessed it...I gambled! But, thankfully I can answer "no" to this question today as I learn how to deal with life better and accept the things I cannot change.

#19 - Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?

YES - I can remember clearly many days where I would "take out the team" after a big contract was signed or something like that. Of course my favorite place to take them was always a casino.

#20 - Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?

YES - Too many times towards the end I seriously considered this option. The casinos here in San Diego are on mountainous roads. We also have many cliffs over the ocean. I thought of driving my car off the edge of those cliffs many times. I have tried to examine why I never did and have yet to determine why I never went through with it. I know now I am just grateful that I didn't.

So, as you can see using the guideline of answering "yes" to at least 7 of the questions, I am a compulsive gambler. But, there are many people who have changed their lives in our fellowship long before they reached the lows that I did. Each person has to determine when they are ready to accept complete surrender and a willingness to get help.

Day 877 - Remembering Day One

2005-04-12T20:23:00.000-07:00

Good evening,

I guess I ll chat a bit about the last day I gambled and the first day I entered into recovery.

I placed my last bet on a November 17th, 2002 at the Pechanga Casino in Temecula, CA. By this point I had already exhausted far too many avenues to get money. I was literally homeless, penniless, famililess, friendless, jobless, and hopeless. The only possession I had left to my name was my car (86 BMW 735i) and a few pictures of "A" and the kids and about 2 changes of clothes.

I had a half-tank of gas in my car, and was my modus-operandi at the time, I had to run away from my situation. Where didn't matter, how didn't matter, the only the that did matter was NOW! So, in my sick mind at the time I convinced myself that Las Vegas was a better choice than phoenix. So, off I went.

I arrived late in the afternoon and as was common in those days after a few hours had passed since my last losing gambling session I asked myself "Now what?". The problem this time was I didn't know. I spent that night walking up and down the Strip trying to beg some food here and there. I wasn't very good at it. After all, I had never been in a situation like this before. Finally at about 1 AM I decided to try and find a place to sleep in my car. I was paranoid the police would find me and I barely slept more than an hour at a time and kept moving around so as to not be suspicious. I had a law enforcement background (I ll talk about this another time..) so I kind of knew what to expect.

As the sun rose, I think I finally realized that I had nothing left at all in my life. Of course thoughts of suicide had entered my mind on numerous occasions that night and many before, but I didn't have the courage (or the true desire really) to go through with it. But, I was very hungry at this point, cold and tired, and had nowhere to turn. I had lied and cheated anyone who even remotely knew me so much that they had no interest in helping me.

Just when I was going to freak out even worse than I was, I remembered a brochure I had picked up in one of the casinos the night before. It was from the Nevada Council on Problem Gambling . I literally had just enough gas to det there and I camped out in front as they were not open yet. After what seemed like an eternity someone pulled up. She saw me, but seemed pretty afraid? I guess I probably looked like hell but I thought to myself at the time "surely she has seen gamblers after a long session?". Anyway, I later found out she reacted like that because there had been a recent burglary in the building. Unfortunately I cannot recall this woman's name as I type. It will come to me though. She took me in, and that is when my life began to turn around.

Once inside, she got me a muffin and a juice, let me use a restroom, and got me settled down. I was crying so hard I could barely speak. How did I let this happen?? I mean I once had EVERYTHING in life! Now I had NOTHING! She just listened and waited until her boss came in a few minutes later. She introduced me to Carol O'Hare. What a savior she turned out to be.

Carol O. is also a recovering compulsive gambler ( By the way I am not betraying any anonymity here as she is very public about her past). Once I had calmed somewhat she asked what I planned to do? I really had no idea I told her, but my first thought was to sell my car and try and find a cheap place to live with the money. She stopped me and said "you shouldn't sell your car. Your car represents three things right now. Number One - No matter how much you believe it as you sit here now, once you have the money you will convince yourself the right thing to do is gamble again to try and increase the amount. Number Two - You will need this car to get to GA meetings if you truly have a desire to stop gambling. Number Three - It is the last thing you own. If you keep it you will honestly be able to say you didn't lose EVERYTHING you had to gambling". I didn't really understand this until much later in my abstinence.

From that office Carol O. called a fellow GA member, Bobby B. He was a cab driver and came over to meet me and took me to my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting at the Unity Club in Las Vegas.

I attended three Las Vegas GA (At the time there were over 100 meetings in Las Vegas area) meetings that afternoon, made arrangements to get shelter at the St. Vincent De Paul homeless shelter. Both Bobby B. and Carol O. (no relation) checked in on me later and the next day. I will forever be grateful.

So, that is how I ended my gambling career. Although I find it important today to remember my past, I am much more concentrated on the present in the hopes that will improve my future.

If anyone has any specific questions about my story, please post and ask!! I don't hide too much about this anymore.

Day 876 - More about my past..

2005-04-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

So, I promised I would write a little more about my gambling history today.

Shortly after that first trip to Vegas, I got a job that allowed me to travel quite a bit. As a result I started hitting the casinos around the country to fight boredom. Also, this was just about the time the Indian Casinos were just getting off the ground here in Southern California. I remember when the Barona, Sycuan, Viegas, and Pechanga casinos were literally just Pop-Up tents and trailers with a couple of poker tables, a couple of blackjack tables and some slots. Now, each of these has grown into destination type resorts with golf courses and hotels with hundreds of rooms.

Like many stories I have heard since, at first I really was just gambling to pass some time. This was all new to me and I found it very interesting. If I won, that was a bonus which made it even more fun.

Unfortunately as time went along, the money from the gambling winnings went from "extra" to "neccessary" in my mind.

But, soon the bets got bigger, the losses more frequent, the time to try and get the money to buy the big things and nice trips more lengthy, and the lies more common. I would discover alot about why I got to this point. But back then all I can remember is the chaos of each and every day.

Eventually this chaos had me lying, stealing, and cheating everyone I knew. "A" finally left. No friends wanted anything to do with me. I had no home. I had no money. I had no job (I got fired from two in the last two years of my gambling). I had no hope.

Next time I ll start talking about entering my recovery stage...

Slowly

Who Am I anyway?

2005-04-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

I guess I will give a little bit of background on myself as it relates to gambling. Im sure over time other aspects of my life will be revealed but as the main focus of this blog is my journey after my last bet I will start there. Also, as I will likely talk about my experiences in Gamblers Anonymous here I will NOT reveal any names nor information that could jeopardize another's anonymity.

I am a 40's white guy who never gambled much at all most of my life. I would occassionally enter a sports pool or go to the track at Del Mar once a year. But until I was in my mid 30s I had never gone to Las Vegas, never played a slot machine, never played "poker with the guys", and definitely had never played blackjack for money. That all changed in late 1993 during a visit to my girlfriend's (We ll call her A since we are not together anymore and I dont want to piss her off!) sister in Vegas. "A" gambled with her mother and sisters a couple of times a year and was anxious to teach me all she knew. She is an extremely beautiful woman and Vegas is just her cup of tea. She would get dressed to the hilt, and off to the tables she went.

Anyway, that is when I learned to play blackjack. Little did I know that over the next 9 years my love of the game would turn to obsession and that eventually I would become so obsessed with playing that I would lose "A", the children, my brothers, friends, job(s), and every posession I had and be sleeping in a homeless shelter.

Tommorrow I ll recount the some more of my gambling past...

Day 907 - How Did I Stop? Compulsive Gambling That Is?

2005-05-12T08:51:00.000-07:00

At my Gamblers Anonymous meeting last night the reading from our "Day At A Time" book offered the suggestion that instead of trying to have the courage to stop gambling forever all at once, that it is better to try to have the courage to do it just one day at a time and then repeat it each day. I thought about a television commercial I had seen recently about a bank that processes billions of checks a year. The good-looking guy on the TV said they did it by developing a system that accurately processes a SINGLE check, and then they repeat that process billions of times. Seemed a lot like my approach to recovery! If I get through today without placing a bet, I suppose the most logical thing would be to do the same thing tomorrow!

Later in the meeting a newcomer asked me how I made it through the difficult first days of abstinence. Those days where the urge to solve the problems I had created BECAUSE of gambling, BY gambling were so great. Each of us has our own experiences to draw from, and our bottoms are different. But, I have met a lot of people saying the same things the first time they get to a meeting, and it is awfully similar to my story, maybe just with different numbers. I shared with the member what I had done, and decided to journal a little bit about it here. Please remember that I (nor is any compulsive gambler really) am not an expert on this subject. I only know that so far for 907 days I have not placed a bet. That could change tomorrow as the reading suggests, so I really do just work on what I can TODAY.

So, here are my experiences of those first 90 days. There are really only three main areas I concentrated on. Here they are:

#1 - First on my personal list, by no accident is that I DID NOT TRY TO SOLVE ANY PROBLEMS! Yes, this is a slight exaggeration, but only slight. What I mean is that my one and only focus was to NOT GAMBLE TODAY. Of course I had to try and figure out how to get work, and figure out where I was going to eat etc.... But, those things were completely secondary to not gambling. I had to trust that somehow, someday those things would work themselves out. Every day I had to convince myself that placing a bet would only make it worse as it had every time before. No matter how much I may have wanted to turn $20.00 into $40.00 so I could get out the homeless shelter sooner, or eat at McDonald's instead of the soup kitchen, I had to be patient. I could not solve any problems if I gambled. Of course, magically by NOT gambling, solutions to the problems did appear. Not as fast as the compulsive gambler in me wanted, but slowly, one by one, things started to get solved. Things are still getting solved today. Problems I have today are not as dramatic as those in the beginning, but the process I follow is the same today.

#2 - I jumped full steam into Gamblers Anonymous. In a way for me, being homeless and jobless in Las Vegas was a blessing. Since there were close to 100 meetings a week in town at that time, I could really get to a lot of meetings. Remember that #1 was my highest priority and in the meetings I saw that people had managed to stay away from gambling, at least for longer than I ever had in the past. I did not understand how or why the program worked, nor did I really care. The members with clean time said go to meetings. I went to 2 or 3 a day at first. They said do not associate with people who gamble. So, I stayed to myself and the meetings for awhile. This wasn't that difficult because frankly by this point I really didn't have any friends left. They said do not try to solve all your problems at once. This worked out ok for me since I had already kind of had #1 in mind. Finally they said trust in a power greater than yourself...Uh oh...GOD? They said yes, but not necessarily TODAY. Just accept that there is SOMETHING that will provide you with the tools you need to survive each day. THAT I could live with.

#3 - GET HONEST. I had to really accept the fact that my life was where it was. I had to give up hoping for a better past. There was nothing I could do to change those I had hurt, lied to, stolen from. Eventually I would come to begin to make amends to each of them, an ongoing process even today, but in the beginning I just accepted the fact that I had hurt them and vowed to not hurt them anymore today at least.

That was really it. Of course there were specific little things within these big three, but most of those I learned through time and experiences of the fellowship. I learned to set up roadblocks. I learned to limit access to cash. I learned to "play the tape all the way to the end" when gambling urges came. I learned many more things as well, but that was just all noise underneath the big three.

I am not saying that my way will work for anyone else. But, I can say that I just did what basically many before me had done and it seemed to work for them. 907 days later, with all the tremendous improvements in my life I still do not understand how it works every day. I only know that today I did not place a bet and my life did not get worse.

I think I will try and repeat it tomorrow, just like the bank processes the checks.

John

Day 900 - Giving Up Hope Of A Better Past

2005-05-05T20:35:00.000-07:00

Evening,

I am in a much better mood tonight than last night. I would like it to get a little busier at work though! As I have said in the past I am selling electronic components to manufacturers and the more I sell the faster I get out of the debt I created!

Which sort of segways into my thoughts for the night. At the "good" part of the meeting last night one of the members was sharing how as she was going about her day, thinking about how much damage she had caused etc. , she remembered something I had said at an earlier meeting. I had said, "At some point you have to give up hoping for a better past". Now, I of course cannot take credit for this insightful thought, it has been a mainstay since the early AA days. I do wish I knew who did say it that very first time? Maybe it just kind of "morphed" into the saying it is today. But, I seem to have a way of using the 12-Step program sayings that make sense and are memorable to people. I mainly use them in my own recovery to help me remember the lessons of those that came before me, but it is always nice when another member is helped by something I have said in a meeting. I tend to use this one when I hear a newer member speaking about how hard it is to stop gambling because they need to "fix" everything they have done immediately or life will never be the same.

There is no question I have to remind myself of the meaning behind this one all the time. Even 900 days later I still am dealing with daily reminders of the damage I caused once I crossed that line into irresponsible gambling. I still owe a lot of money. I still have not apologized to every person that I want to. I still am reminded in many ways that I have work to do on my character in order to stop gambling. I have to remind myself all the time that life will never be the "same". It can and absolutely is good. I can move forward a day at a time towards in positive directions, but I will never have the life I thought I was going to live before I became a compulsive gambler. I am ok with that today.

But, as the saying says, I had to give up any fantasy I have that I can somehow change my past. I must live in today, and be willing to confront whatever comes my way, both good and bad. I have at least learned that placing a bet will not get me that better past. As a matter of fact I am convinced gambling will create an even worse past. I have no interest in experiencing that again.

I'm not sure if I am even making sense tonight, but this is what's on my mind.

John

Day 1108 - Updates?

2005-12-05T18:53:00.000-08:00

Hello there...sorry I havent been to diligent about updating this blog, but one of the benefits of remaining abstinent from gambling is that I have become very busy with all the other areas of life!

But, a short update. I am still doing well...recently celebrated my 3 year anniversary of not gambling and we had a great meeting. I was touched by all those who attended, many from significant distance.

Work is busier..(good thing...get to pay off the bills faster!), personal life still kindof on hold...but given where I was 3 short years ago...I have nothing to complain about!! The quality of my problems has definetely improved!

John

Day 1004 - Yes, I am still alive..!

2005-08-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

Hello anyone here reading. I know it has been a few weeks since I have added any content to this site. I am doing well, no I am not gambling!! As a matter of fact, my abstinence from the bet is allowing me to have a very BUSY life both personally and professionally which is helping to have the blogging slowed down.

I am thinking I need to move this back into my priority list as I found it to be a good tool, so check back and hopefully I will be back to a more frequent posting schedule!

Thank you for all the e mails I have recieved asking where I have been. They mean alot.

John

Study Ties Risk of Problem Gambling with Proximity to Casinos

2005-06-29T11:03:00.000-07:00

No big surpirse to me here, but this article highlights a recently published study that shows a marked increase in problem gamblers, the closer people live to a casino. The study also showed an increased prevelance to those in poorer neighborhoods also. The researchers did point out that geography is NOT as much of a factor as other indicators, but if a person is pre-dipsosed to have problems they will be increased if the person is close to gambling.

I think that is likely what happened in my case. I had never gambled much at all, and definetely did not have a problem, UNTIL the Indian casinos moved to town. That gave me access I didn't have before and I took advantage. Remember, I do not blame the casinos for my addiction, but we do need to realize that there will be social consequences to our legalized gambling expansion and those need to be addressed.

John

Problem Gambling In Utah?

2005-06-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

Utah newspaper, the "Deseret News" has been running a special series on the effects of gambling in Utah, where "officially" there is no legalized gambling but where the bordering states each offer plenty of gambling to those willing to make the 2 hour drive, of which there are many.

Todays article is completely focused on the problem gambling problem and how it may impact Utah.

Read more here:

Gambling Spurs Social, Legal Woes

I have always found the paradox interesting as there is a VERY large Mormon population in Las Vegas in addition to Utah, yet somehow the two cultures seem able to co-exist.

John

Canadian Memorial Service Remembering Compulsive Gambler Suicides Held

2005-06-27T13:41:00.000-07:00

HALIFAX – As Phyllis Vineberg stood and began to shuffle between the pews in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church on Brunswick Street, she couldn’t go on. Hunched over, she broke silently into tears.

Vineberg was one of about 75 people attending a vigil for families and friends of people who had committed suicide because of an addiction to VLTs.

more...

This article appeared in the Halifax Daily News. The article goes onto to describe the social costs of legalized gambling and in particular the addictive Video Lottery Terminals (VLTs).

Day 952 - Still Making Difficult Choices

2005-06-26T18:54:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

First I would like to take a quick moment and thank all the nice e-mails and comments from you regarding my post of a couple of days ago regarding my lack of "personal journaling" here of late. It does have an impact. Thanks.

So, I am one the oldest of six brothers in my family. This weekend one of them got married. The wedding took place in Boston, MA and of course I live in San Diego, CA. Attending would realistically mean taking almost a week off from work, and the cost of a plane ticket, hotel, and food for a few days. Probably about a thousand dollars.

Thankfully, I actually have this kind of money in the bank now. Since I placed my last bet 2 1/2 years ago things of course get better all the time financially. I mean when I am not spending my very last dollar at the blackjack table thinking I was "going to come back" and then "leave when I got back up", money problems are lessened. I also somehow actually have a few thousands dollars worth of credit cards available to me again with ZERO balances on them. I live pretty much cash in hand type of life these days. I still am amazed that I can go from homeless shelter to having credit again in the time it took...about a year before I got my first one, and then 6 months later another even bigger one.

BUT, the cash in the bank is there for emergencies, and I already owe enough money so I try not to use my cards except for gas etc. and then I pay them every month. Also, even though money problems are lessened now, I still owe A LOT of money to people.

Hence my dilemma about my brother's wedding. This would have been the first time in approximately 10 years that all six boys would have been in the same place at the same time, something VERY important to my mother. Also, one of the things about not gambling anymore is that I am INVITED to these family functions again. For a long time they could have cared less where I was. After all, they were tired of the lying and stealing I was doing back then.

So, in the end I had to weigh several factors. In the mix was that when I don't work I don't get commissions. I make most of my money off those commissions, so the cost of the trip itself would have then had lost wages on top of it. Also, I am committed to spending about $400.00 this fall for my attendance at the National Gamblers Anonymous Conference in October (details on the right by the way!). I justify this by the realization that if I don't make my recovery priority number one, NONE of the other stuff matters because at some point I will go back to gambling. That is what a compulsive gambler does when one gets complacent. So, the money is a good investment, even for those I still owe. It makes it more likely they will see there money at some point.

In the end I decided I could not afford to go to the wedding. I did send a gift, and I spoke to my brother and bride on the phone. Not ideal, but I think the family understands.

I hope so at least.

John

Louisian Program Treats Gambling Addiction

2005-06-26T18:49:00.000-07:00

Reprinted from "The Advocate" 6/25/05.

NEW ORLEANS -- A fledgling state program that offers treatment rather than jail to some gambling addicts who commit certain nonviolent crimes is helping to put Louisiana at the "forefront" of efforts to deal with problem gambling, Attorney General Charles Foti said Friday.

"They can keep their families together. They can deal with their addiction," Foti, touting two of the benefits of the new "Gambling Treatment Referral Program," said at the 19th annual Conference on Prevention, Research and Treatment of Problem Gambling.

"We're attempting to reach the root of the problem," he said.

The referral program is a joint effort of Foti's office, the state Department of Health and Hospitals' Office for Addictive Disorders, the Louisiana Association on Compulsive Gambling and local district attorneys.

It is designed to help first or second offenders who have committed nonviolent crimes that are directly related to compulsive gambling receive treatment instead of prison time. The crimes can include theft, forgery, issuing worthless checks, credit-card fraud, insurance fraud and failure to pay child support. Addicts sometimes resort to those crimes to fuel their gambling habits.

I have always thought that the issue of criminal activity related to compulsive gambling is behind the times when compared to drugs or alcohol in our society. I am glad to see this starting to change. I hope the program is successful and other states begin to follow suit.

John

Nice Article Featuring My Friend Carol O.

2005-06-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

The Las Vegas Business Press did a nice article about the recently approved state funding to expand compulsive gambler treatment in Nevada. The article even has a picture and several quotes from my good friend Carol O'hare, Executive Director of the Nevada Council On Problem Gambling.

Some may remember that Carol is the woman who was thre for me that first morning that I finally began my abstinence and eventual recovery. (See "Remembering Day One" on the right.)

Day 949 - Where Have I Been?

2005-06-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

Evening all,

Well, some of you that return here daily may be wondering where I have been? NO, I was not gambling and I am grateful for that! I continue to work other areas of my recovery to ensure I am always aware that I am a compulsive gambler and to place that first bet would almost assuredly lead to disaster for me.

But, I have not been applying myself to the continuous updates to the blog here as I used to. No real special reason...just busy with other life and sort of in a "nothing much to say" phase.

As the compulsive/impulsive person I am though, as I thought about the fact that I have not been journaling here every single day as I was, and some days not adding anything to the site at all, my first reaction was of course....TO QUIT! To shut it down.... The easy way out still lives inside me in many ways even though I am not gambling anymore.

Thankfully however, I have learned to wait beyond my initial reaction in most situations and this one was no different. After some thought, I realized it was really the journaling that is the most difficult for me to add each and every day since there are really a lot of days I don't have much to say? But, adding the news articles and the saying of the day etc. is not very difficult.

Also, I continue to be amazed at the number of new people that get to this site. Most are searching on "gamblers anonymous" or "gambling addiction" etc. Once they get here MANY of the visitors read through 10-15 pages including the "My Story" section and others. The average time a new visitor spends on my blog is over 15 minutes....that's amazing! Of course all of you who visit often spend considerably less since I believe you are just getting updated with news etc...

So, for now at least I will make a better effort to at least post news every day. I cannot guarantee any personal commentary every day, but I am sure I will write something a few times a week. After all, that part of the blog is really for my own benefit rather than anyone else's. I am not even sure that part ever gets read....

Enough for tonight.

John

PBS Show Explores Teenage Compulsive Gambling

2005-06-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

"DUSTIN WAGGONER: I had $1,000 in my son's bank. And I took that out and spent it. I don't know why I did it. As I was drawing the money out of the bank, I felt like a bullet was going through me, but I wasn't smart enough to put it back. I remember I lost that $1,000. I remember leaving the casino at about 2:00 in the morning. I was just bawling my eyes out. And I usually don't cry, but I mean, I cried and cried."

The paragraph above is an excerpt from a TV story done on PBS in Washington State recently. The transcribed version of the story can be viewed online here.

It is a well done story focusing more on the actual risks teenagers face with the current poker craze including statistics and interviews.

Recovery Saying of the Day...

2005-06-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

"Face Everything And Relapse"

or

"Face Everything And Recover"

FEAR is our constant enemy as we travel through each day trying to stay away from that first bet. Fear that some of the things we did will be found out. Fear that our lives will be unliveable if we don't fix the financial damage we did quickly enough to satisfy our creditors. Fear that if we tell our problems to others they will never understand or show any compassion, so why bother? Fear, Fear, Fear... We MUST overcome each fear as they present themselves.

Aussie Play Portraying Compulsive Gambler Opens

2005-06-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

After receiving some funding from a fund earmarked for problem gambling education, an Australian play entitled Ruby's Last Dollar opens at the Opera House theatre open June 22nd, 2005 according to this article.

The play described in greater detail in the article highlights the plight of a cabaret dancer that falls prey to the lure of slot machines, but also has undertones describing how prevelant gambling has become in the land down under, and how the playwright feels much of the senior population has been neglected as a result.

Interesting way to spend compulsive gambler treatment funds, but I think it is great!

John

GA - Even In Ottumwa Iowa!

2005-06-20T15:26:00.000-07:00

Nice little article in the Ottumwa Courier describing a gathering of the recently started Gamblers Anonymous group there. Nothing special, just people sharing their experience, strength, and hope with each other. Here is the entire Article complete with the "Another Chance" poem:

Finding A Way Back

Who knows maybe I ll stop by the meeting one day and see Walter O'Reilly (RADAR) from teh M.A.S.H. show!

Crime Watch - Compulsive Gambler Pleads Guilty To Robbery

2005-06-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

From the Morning News - Compulsive Gambler Pleads Guilty .

6th Grade Gamblers - Toronto Star

2005-06-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

Nice little editorial about the Texas Hold 'em craze ongoing in our youth from the Toronto Star newspaper. Basically saying what I have said here numerous times. That the Poker Craze MAY be just a fad, but that we just don't know yet and we must be vigilant.

Read the entire editorial here.

CA Awards Prevelance Study Contract?

2005-06-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

I recieved a couple of articles over the weekend, including this one in the San Mateo Times announcing that the California State Gambling Prevelance Study I have spoken about here in the past. The article says the study will be conducted by the National Opinion Research Center and the University of Chicago.

Thing is, I cannot find any press releases on either the State Office of Problem Gambling site, or the NORC site? It is about the time that was scheduled for award, but I am not 100 percent sure it is the same study, although it likely is.

I ll keep you updated.

Recovery Saying of the Day...

2005-06-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

"People may not always believe what I say, but they will always believe what I do."

I have learned that the things I did as a compulsive gambler caused everyone around me to lose trust in everything I said. Why wouldn't they? I mean all I did was lie, cheat and steal from all of them. And not just on occassion, but over and over and over again to the point I could not keep the lies straight.

So, when I told them I had finally started to get the help I needed and was going to do my best not to place a bet, they were skeptical. Today, thankfully they have seen the ACTION I have taken to do so for some time and some of that trust is begininning to return.

Not Feeling Well...

2005-06-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

Hey there all,

Sorry about no post the last couple days....I have many to do, but have been laid up in bed with fever...it hurts my fingers to type! I am starting to come out of it and hopefully will have energy to do something tonight..

John

MN - Workshop Addressing Problem Gambling In Southeast Asian Community Planned - 6/27/05

2005-06-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

Lao Assistance Center of Minnesota will host a Learning and Opportunities Workshop on Problem Gambling in the Southeast Asian Community. The event will be held on Monday, June 27, from 9:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. at Harrison Community Center, 503 Irving Avenue North in Minneapolis.

The workshop will share with mainstream practitioners and others in the Asian community the accumulating research and knowledge gained over the past 18 months in developing and implementing both prevention and treatment strategies that effectively respond to the needs of the Southeast Asian Problem Gambler.

There will be a $10.00 fee for this workshop to cover the cost of morning refreshments and lunch. This fee will be collected at registration on the morning of the workshop.

For more information call the Lao Assistance Center of Minnesota at 612-374-4967 or email rick@laocenter.org, sunny@laocenter.org.